Believe or not a troubled soul
It says feelings might be foul
It screams in crowds and cries with blood
What to do it knows not.
Believe or not a troubled soul
To be lied to is Its goal
It asks for answers but hears none
It looks for love but it is gone.
Believe or not a troubled soul
It will look for you to be a whole
It will search far and wide
And when It finds nothing, It’ll wait for another tide.
I think I saw the end.
Two yellow eyes were looking through my soul. I could feel them open up every locked door within me. They paralyzed me. I couldn’t move or think, all I could do was to let them drain me of all my thoughts, my fears, my needs, and my wants.
If I would’ve felt something, I imagine I would’ve felt pain and anguish die away. I would’ve felt relief and hollowness like never before. If I could’ve thought, I would’ve thought about the power of nothingness, about the gift of eternal ignorance. If I could’ve spoken, I would’ve shouted those eyes a million thanks.
I couldn’t do anything. All I did was nothing.
Have you ever yearned for ignorance as you do for your every day breath?
I have.
So, today my yahoo webmessenger is not working. It’s ridiculous. My one pleasure when I’m at work, well besides reading a great book once i have some time, is not working today. I followed the guidelines to fix it, but it didn’t want to fix itself. IT sucks!!
Yesterday people at my work more or less told me that I NEED to be here as long as possible. If it were up to them I would work until my ass would have to be on the plane. Yeah..forget that. Depending on how my mood will fluctuate in the next weeks, I will decide if I can stand it here for an extra week.
On other notes, there are 6 weeks left until i step on Romanian soil again. Pray for me.
And Ioane, a blog is supposed to be personal, not abstract. If I want to read abstract, citesc Biblia D-le.
Well, it seems like the truth did stir up some commotion. Hmm, i wonder why?
I’m wondering if anybody is looking for explanations now. Has anybody been hurt by words just thrown out there due to the lack of any other physical activity? Ahmmm..well now you know how it feels.
Details of everybody’s reaction, as I get to witness it, will be updated on a first heard, first told basis.
P.S. I love my bf and he loves me. Who loves you today?
I figured my future self would not forgive my present, then past, self if I wouldn’t record this great event, so that later I can have something to laugh at. I could also use this story as an example of human stupidity.
And so the story goes….
On e Friday evening three girls, long on and off again friends, meet to have a drink and spill some gossip. The fourth one could not make it this time, but its presence proved to be of little consequence to this story.
Said girls drop of boyfriends to hang out with each other (the ones who could be proud of having boyfriends, that is) and headed to nearby establishment to consume some alcoholic beverages and hopefully ruin their lives with 6 cocktails and a whole lot of naughty behavior.
(Words have been changed around to fit the narrative of the story)
While standing in line to be seated, conversation broke out:
B Girl: So girls, what happened in Romania? We’ve heard you kissed this guy, so what’s going on? Spill it!
J Girl: Well, nothing really, I’ll tell you guys when we sit down.
A Girl: Well, B Girl, stuff has been said about you too. Who are you going out with now-a-days? Heard you have a new lover boy.
B Girl: Hmm..no, I’m not saying anything. You guys can never keep your mouths shut! (and so right she was…)
After around 20 minutes of waiting time, the girls finally got seated and drinks started to pour while stories just spilled like waterfalls out of the eager mouths, ready to tell and to be heard.
J Girl: So, this guy in Romania, I actually fucked him 4 or 5 times. We say each other every day from the 2nd week I got there until I left to visit my grandparents. He called me every day, it was nice.
A Girl: And, was he better than your boyfriend?
J Girl: No, the same I guess.
B Girl: OMG!!
J Girl: Yeah…and also, I’ve been dating this guy from my school, Chris, for like 8 months. Since last year around Halloween.
A Girl: What??? Holly Crap!!
J Girl: Well, you know, since I’ve been to Romania, I’ve opened my eyes, and I see that there is other stuff out there besides being in a relationship with the same guy for 5 years. I want to experience new things, to date, to have fun.
B Girl: Oh yeah, me too.
A Girl: Speaking of which, what is going on with you and this guy you’re seeing?
B Girl: Well, I’ve been seeing him for like 3 weeks or so, he’s super nice, and I really like him. I want to break up with boyfriend, because it’s not working anymore. He won’t change.
And so the conversation went on and on, opinions were said and spread, and more cocktails were ordered.
An hour or so later, B Girl’s new fling calls and decides to stop by. So, girls get to meet new hot guy who’s swept B Girl of her tiny feet.
Totally nice guy, totally not my type, but that doesn’t matter. The guy is soft spoken, mannered, and he seems to care about B Girl. Good for her, I say.
A little later, after conversation took a more superficial turn, J Girl’s boyfriend shows up to pick us up and drop us off at home.
Now, J Girl’s boyfriend sees B Girl with her new fling, figures out that 2 and 2 do make 4, and tells B Girl that she needs to come clean with her still boyfriend because he is not as stupid as he looks. B Girl does not reply, the atmosphere is ruined, and the party splits.
Next day I talk to C Girl, the one that missed the soirée because of her actual existing social life, unlike some of us (yours truly), and I tell her what has happened. She is totally shocked, but at the same time a little uninterested. It all seems like a bad soap opera; something somebody would watch for 30 seconds, forced by the mere fact that the channel changing button could not be found any sooner.
Life goes on, and things start to be forgotten, or so we think.
In the meantime J Girl get’s tongue-twisted by her boyfriend and spills her guts about her affairs in Romania.
J Girl: How did you find out, who told you?
J Girl BF: You’re friend B Girl rated you out. While we’re at it, why don’t you tell B Girl’s BF what she’s been up to lately?
J Girl: Ah..well..yeah, she’s been seeing this other guy for like a while, and she really likes him, and we meet him last night, etc.
In the meantime, I and the other two girls are totally in the dark of the events unfolding.
I get a call from J Girl’s BF and he informs me that relations between himself and said GF have come to an end and he is dropping her off at home. I express my sincerest condolences and move on with my life.
C Girl calls me a little later and tells me that she has spoken to J Girls’ BF and he told her how J Girl has spilled her guts thinking that somebody betrayed her, and how she then, in turn, betrayed B Girl, thinking that she was the person at fault for the ruin of her relationship.
This just gets too much to handle. Both C Girl and I are starting to laugh our asses off.
The next day, I meet up with C Girl for some quality time and the following happens:
Ring, Ring. I’m calling B Girl to see what happened to her and her BF after he found out. She tells me that J Girl with her BF and B Girl’s BF showed up at her work and told her that they knew everything and B Girl’s BF also told her that it’s over and he will move out of their apartment. B Girl is in shock but does not react too strongly. On their way out from her work J Girl and her boyfriend tell B Girl that the person who told on her was A Girl.
What a shame, the game has started to take ugly turns.
I correct B Girl on the specifics of the events and she get’s totally pissed. She even utters the unforgettable remark that she does not wish to see any of the said individuals again.
C Girl and I totally out of our shells, decide to call said individuals for some confrontation. The news got the best of us, and we just lost ourselves.
Confrontation does not happen, because I get too upset with the hypocrisy of certain individuals and hang up the phone.
Later I get to find out that not only did J Girl confess to one indiscretion, she confessed to 5. How stupidity sometimes rules your action is still an amusing enigma to me. J Girl’s BF decides he has some confessions as well and starts telling his GF that he too has stepped outside of the line once with C Girl. I guess he just needed something to say so he doesn’t stand in front of the GF whom he supposedly does not care for empty handed, as it may seem. How can a guy like him, a total lady lover, not have anything to show for the last 5 years he spent with J Girl?! Totally unacceptable!! A man has a reputation to uphold. Stupidity has taken over him, but not the whole of him. He decides it’s best to keep certain things to himself, and save some of his indiscretions for some other opportune time.
It seems like true love does conquer all, or not really. Sitting at the breakfast table, they all felt a little relieved that things were finally said, but little did they know that while they washed down the bacon strips with some OJ, their minds worked over time trying to put together an agenda for the future.
J Girl BF: Hmm…I hope she will still take me back, I need papers, damn it!
B Girl BF: Fuck…now I’ll never get my papers. All this time wasted on that stupid blond. Maybe I should take her back….
J Girl: Tralalalal alalalalala…hmm..this table is round. Wow!! Is BF now EX BF..hmm, I can’t remember how I decided. He’s smiling at me, I guess it’s all good. I’ll have 2 BF again once the guy from Romania comes over. Yay!!
Still in shock over what happened C Girl and I part ways around the middle of the afternoon. Home and with nothing to do, I decide to follow up on B Girl and see what her status is now that her BF found out about the new guy.
Damn phone! I should’ve just put it down when I had a chance to.
I found out from B Girl that after careful (or so she says) consideration she decided to get back together with her BF. He changed she says. He went from the kind of BF that hits her head against the door because he just feels like it or he doesn’t like her comment at the dinner table, to the kind of BF that forgives and forgets, and becomes a 18th century kind of Casanova. And all that, overnight folks. You hear right.
And like this could get any more complicated, right? Well it does. I think I should sell this story to the Mexican movie making ppl..or are they Spanish? What’s the difference again? (:P hihi) A great TELENOVELA would come out of this. I could get rich!! Hmm…
B Girl tells me that the story has taken another turn and this time the truth came out, and so it goes:
B Girl: J Girl’s BF told me that you told C Girl what we said the other night, and that she got so pissed that she was mentioned to have hang out with J Girl’s BF that she told him everything that you said, and she also told him to make sure that all this get’s to the ears of my beloved BF. And that’s the truth. I know it so!
I was stunned, as you can well imagine. I tried to explain that things were not at all like he pictured them for the 3rd time, but it was to no array. Her mind was set up.
Now, they’re probably having foursome’s with a hidden agenda, and each of them thinks that new plans can get made and followed, and this time around nothing can ruin them.
Did somebody learn a lesson? Are things better left unsaid? Hmm..Duh?
Well, if thoughts could speak, they’d have much more to say, especially mine.
See, I seem to remember everything that I never meant to remember, like the fact that more cheating has happened on everybody’s parts, and that I was privileged enough to see more hidden agendas along my friendship with them, and one day, my thoughts will talk.
The day will come, and it will come as unexpected as an STD when you forget to put the condom on while you shake your ass up and down in a public bathroom with the guy that hands out the toilet paper. All he wanted was $1, and if you had no change, I doubt he was expecting a free ride down the worn out roller coaster you girlies call pussy.
So, ta da, ta da…beware, beware, the truth is out there.
P.S. You have much more to hide, from many more people, than you think.
So, today I had a blonde moment, something I’m not particularly proud of, and I would not share it with the world, but I laughed at myself, so I decided everybody else could too.
It all started last night.
I was walking my dog and talking on the phone. Once I returned home, I placed my dog’s leash on the top of my trunk, as I proceeded to open my car and close the windows I had left open earlier that day; I was still talking on the phone meanwhile.
Then I closed my car and went into the house and proceeded with my nightly routine. I did the same the next day in the morning, when I prepared for work.
Well, as you can imagine, I forgot the leash on the trunk of my car and this morning, as I was driving to work I noticed it. Funny think is I didn’t notice it until I was almost at work. Actually, I noticed it before the last turn on Foster, to my office, so all the people who drove behind me probably wondered if I had had my coffee yet, or was I just some crazy woman behind a wheel. Eminent Danger!!
At least I gave them a good start to a cold day.
P.S. On another note, my mommy is coming back from Romania today, and although I couldn’t wait for her to return, now I’m a little queezy because she will drive me insane about wanting to move there myself in the winter. I’m not looking forward to that..hmm..not that much, no.
Last night, as i was showering myself, I got to thinking, like I always do, about caring. Of course it was triggered by a conversation I had earlier that day, that total pushed me off the edge, but nonetheless, here are my thoughts on it.
Why is it that no matter what happens in our lives, even a little thing as being flipped off by the dude you didn’t let pass you, we always feel the need to tell someone about it? I noticed that i always have this need to tell people about every event taking place in my life, not even considering its worthiness or interest to the one it’s being told to. And this doesn’t stop here. I actually expect people to care about what I have to say, to comment, and of course to feel for me.
Well, that was old me. Now-a-days I try to keep stuff to myself because I just now realized that “every little thing” I care to share with the ones around me, eventually comes and bites me in the ass. It is very ironic how people seem to remember all the things that they’re not supposed to.
So anyways, I’ve been told that I am way to careless about my choice of words when it comes to expressing my interest or disinterest towards a particular topic or event, or comment, or whatever. This is true. I do not choose my words very wisely among friends. I don’t even know why for sure, I just know I don’t. In my little head, the logic is simple. I don’t need to sugarcoat myself around people that already know me. It makes me feel like a hypocrite, so I just don’t.
Even though I should probably change that, and be more sensitive about people’s feelings and expectations, I probably won’t. I’ve developed into who I am, and there is no more changing me. I don’t even think I want to. I might be harsh with words, but my intentions are never bad.
The truth of the matter is that everyone of us has something that they should change but they don’t. This is my thing. The way I accept my friends for who they are and how they are, I want and expect the same thing from them.
So, for all those who I have offended in the past with my crude way of commenting, just know that it will happen again and again, and you should have gotten used to it by now.
All those who know me, know for a fact that I’m there when I’m needed, and I always will be, no matter which way I express myself.
P.S. I think it’s totally fucked up when people give you fake sympathy, or fake interest, or fake attention.
Deja m-am enervat la culme. Cum se poate ca toata lumea in Romania sa posede 2 celulare, unul ptr fiecare retea, si cand ii cauta cineva nu ii gaseste? Un numar nu poate fi apelat si celalalt pur si simplu nu raspunde. This sucks! Eu m-am saturat sa sun lumea. Fuck this!
So, this weekend i hope to have some time to myself. I’m not sure why, since all week i was by myself. On Saturday, once i started cleaning and stuff, i actually noticed that i have plenty of stuff to do around the house (mostly throwing stuff out) and i could keep myself busy. Too bad people already planned their weekend at my house.
So Ramona and the kids came over on Saturday, and every time i spend more than a few hours with them, they make me not want to have kids (jk). They’re adorable and i love them, but the fact that they do whatever they want, and they don’t listen until you’re actually in their ear, threatening them, just gets to me. It is frustrating as hell to see a 5 year old kid totally ignoring you. You’re powerless.
We managed to get away from the house for a few hours (Ramona and I) and when we came back, the house looked post Katrina; clean up was in order before bed time. I think it would drive me crazy to see them throw stuff on the floor, and I’d be constantly behind them picking stuff up. 
I guess i say this now, and later, motherly instinct or laziness, or “i don’t care” will kick in and I’ll be fine with it.
On Sunday my mom’s friends came over with grilling meat and drinking intentions. They spent the whole day with us, and it wasn’t as bad as i expected. They kept most of their stupid ideas to themselves, and i didn’t get too agravted. One thing they said, that i just have to mention, is the fact that they believe that the US is just going to print more money to get out of debt (yeah, i had tears in my eyes).
Even though my house was full of people for the whole weekend, i still felt lonely as hell. Every time i go somewhere i seem to notice all these happy couples everywhere, and i get such a craving for a relationship that i would marry somebody tomorrow, just to assure myself the constant company. Ironic things is that a few months ago i had somebody, and i didn’t like it. So now, do i want it because i can’t have it, or because only now i realize what i had, or is it because i need some time to get used to my single self? I wish I’d new so i could stop obsessing.
Another week, more time to just be.
 | ion on Man |
| Ion on The state of the End |
| ion on Day 2 Day for the next 30… |
 | m on Fucking Cell Phones!!! |
 | vasile on Men |
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