Welcome Ladies and Gentlemen…to my unending debate of the existential crisis that i call my life. As always, admittance is free and presence is voluntary. Enjoy!
So i lie wide awake last night, despite the two sleeping aids i had swallowed a few hours earlier that day with the naive hope of the promised 8 hour relief from my just so loving and exciting relationship, and i feel like i could burst with feelings and ideas that i just have to share with the world. Obviously i could not just get up, turn on all the lights, totally ignore the body laying next to me in a deep slumber (or so i think), and just go about my tasks, so i had to wait until dawn, when the body left and i was left to my oh so appreciated solitude.
“Do you still love me, or so and so?”
“Yeah……..I do…..i think..”
“That wasn’t supposed to be a joke?!”
“I know…its how i feel and i told you before…”
So did my Friday night crisis start this week. I’m not sure why i chose to be so totally honest this time around; i wasn’t until now. Of course my honesty wasn’t at all appreciated. It seems as people do not wish to hear things that do not serve them well. Ah well…i said it. It was out there for everybody to hear and to know.
My blunt expression of cold feelings brought about a river of genuine concern from him. However it left me totally untouched and cold. I’m not sure why. I’m not sure what exactly has gotten into me, but i’m glad it did. I finally became interested in my own person and not the ones around me competing for my attention so they themselves could feel better.
Man within definition is a selfish being; an animal to speak plainly. Even though we look for love, to receive and share it, we do it for personal gain. If i love you, i feel better, and if you love me I feel better again. I never noticed this until now. I know, i know…silly me, but do give me some credit. I have been enlightened.
So, last night, as i was trying not to be anymore honest, too much for my own good, i received speeches that involved universal truth; or so i was meant to believe.
“Yeah, the pond is full of fish, but how many of those fish will be there to love and care for you?’” If i knew the answer to this questions i’m sure i could call myself the luckiest person in the world. Obviously that answer will never be available to me or anyone, but its better this way. However, i have been told by my bf that all the guys out there will only want to fuck me (forgive me for being blunt) and that not many guys will actually take the time to love me. Hmm…very good tactic to try and make somebody stay with you, that is if you’re from the middle ages and you don’t know better. “Hello?!?!?! You think i waited all my life for you? Sorry to disappoint you. Before you there were other fish, and the way things look right now, there will be some more after you.”
I spent 23 years of my life living after somebody else’s rules and advice and i’m utterly sick of it. I can’t really say it has been all roses all this time so what’s the point to continue it? I have a bf who keeps ignoring everything i say and who keeps making plans for me like i was a puppet with no will of her own. The minute i make a move he gets so scared that he is beside himself. It’s quite amusing at times, and i know i should be kicked for saying this, but honesty is taking the best of me these days.
I’m not out to be the mean, feminist, independent bitch. Not at all. I just want to be able to make decisions for myself that only involve myself and not somebody else’s feelings. Why should i care that if i chose to continue my education it will make the person next to me feel bad for many different reasons, selfish reasons nonetheless? I used to care, but the train has left the station.
So Ladies and Gentlemen, is it Love? As far as my own person is concerned, it is love for myself from myself and none other. Some might call it selfishness, but i prefer to use the term of love, since nowadays everybody seems to make use of this term very lightly and very often.
The best mistakes to make in life (and we’re bound o make mistakes every other step) are the ones we’ve made by our own choice.
So love yourselves and see what happens. It might not be conventional, acceptable, or even pretty, but in the end it’s all worth it.
Thank you for your time.
