Men

“Men are not faithful, they are loyal.”

Know that your man will cheat, and expect him to come back.

I Do or I Don’t

So these days I’ve been plagued by thoughts and ideas of eternal commitment, or so they call marriage these days. I wonder what it’s all about and if IT is actually worth all the trouble people put themselves through now-a-days.

As there are two sides to every good story I actually forced myself to pay enough attention two both of them so I won’t seem biased, not that I actually care, but for all those (the few or any) who do spend their free time reading up on my personal opinions and thoughts, it should be a little fair. I am nice and considerate after all, contrary to popular belief.

There comes the time in ones life, and i truly believe that age does play a major part in this, were one does feel like the loneliest number, and you just have to do something to multiply your every day company. So then you look for a mate that is there to stay, or at least so it seems. When that day comes I’m not really sure. It is relative to ones level of maturity and of course dady’s bank account. The more time you can get away without any major responsabilities, and no, how to keep 2 girls/guys from finding out about each other doesn’t count, the longer you can co-exist with the young and single of your society. I think i have come to the age where my thoughts do wonder down that path, but more often than not, they return very fast to its originating state of mind, aka how to stay away from that social state of prison.

I do believe marriage can be great, as long as you don’t let yourself be guided by that piece of paper or that definition of what marriage needs to be. Social standard dictates a lot, but then again who the hell proof reads all that before it is released upon main stream society? Uhmm..I doubt anybody takes the time.

If you have a great marriage, and I mean one that lastet longer than 3 years, you are good to go. They say the first years are the hardest and I think they’re right. That first year when you start sharing bills, responsabilities, and more importantly, one bathroom, that’s when you get to figure out if you were made for this or just simply not. It is all about sharing, no matter what we tell ourselves. From being ok with the person next to you accidently using your toothbrush, to being proud to share a name, it’s all about giving up on yourself and fighting for the You that offers you more good days than bad ones.

If, however, you are not so lucky as to identify yourself with the oh so perfect examples all around you, it is time to ask yourself if the step taken was in the right direction and if you are in the mental shape to fulfill your vow and your spousal obligations. There is only so much you can do towards the “greater” good and one day the time has come to cut your losses and just take off.

And then the all burning questions arises “when is it time?” When is it time to start evaluating your life and make some decisions? If you can’t figure it out, who are you supposed to listen to? Who can you trust to have your best interest at heart? And then again, why would it better. Nobody knows the inside of your marriage better than yourself, but yourself seems to have decided that his responsibility is not worth the pay and decided to quit. What now?

I am scared shitles about getting married, and for all those that are in this charming social state, I do pitty you and your second thoughts. Everybody has them…even the ones of us who have not yet entered the stage of bliss called marriage.

Now we all hope for the day of sudden enlightenment, and if any of you have been so lucky as to have lived through this day, please do share your wisdom; but for all of us who are still waiting, hmm..umm..well, I think we could use a drink, or two, or three to pass the time.

One more question? How is it that at 17 we can’t spend more than one week with the same person, but 10 years later we are expected to pick the one who we will wake up next to forever, or until we get hit by a buss?

Forever is scary for some of us (like me).

Second anything?

Someone once said that instead of looking for someone we can live with, we should rather look for someone we can’t live without. Where is the truth in this? How can we know if we can’t live without somebody if the chance never presents itself?

All of us enter relationships with the hope of finding the perfect somebody, and a few months and a set of broken plates later we realize that it’s not all it’s cracked up to be and we start doubting our feelings and sometimes the lack thereof. What then?

By the time you realize the there is no better somebody out there, it’s too late. Then there come the “what if’s” of the world and you end up with more questions than a four year old who first hears about the birds and the bees. The chance of making big mistakes, such as begging for forgiveness and second chances, are as high as fireworks on the 4^th of July.

I don’t know anymore. Is the person next to you worth trying so hard? What if you’re missing out on something you haven’t found yet?

So many questions, so little answers.

Bottom line is there is no right person but there is a right now. Most decisions we make in life are totally fucked up and the minute we make them, we know it. Some give regret its 15 minutes of fame, some don’t, but in the end it never matters, because what’s done is done. If you’re lucky enough you get a do over, but if you’re like me, you might never have the guts to actually take that chance.

It seems like we always want what we can have, and the minute we get closer to what we thought we wanted but couldn’t get, we don’t want it anymore. We are such indecisive creatures.

I wonder who can say, without lying to him/herself and all the ones listening, that they have what they want, and there is nothing else they could want. Nobody I know, that’s for sure.

So then you think about second chances and their worth. Is second time around any different? Where do second chances end? What’s the point? Maybe faith was trying to tell us that there is something more out there, and our experience is over. We’ve learned our lesson.

So many thoughts and not enough people who are willing to be true to themselves and the ones next to them.

Have the guts to be truthful to yourself.

I think Too Much

I was told, several times actually, that I think too much si nu ma las dusa de val.

So now i wonder, do i think too much, or do others not think enough?

Here i lived my life believing that my thinking, the fact that i use more of my brain than others of my species, is what makes me, me…and me turned out to be pretty damn special to some. I guess I was wrong; i lived 23 years in denial, thinking that I don’t think enough…that I don’t know enough. You live and learn. I can rest easy now, knowing that not so much is expected of me anyways.

I wonder what does it take to please some people? Why do I even care about pleasing some people? I’ll tell you why, because i think (there i go again thinking) that some will return the favor, and those who don’t will at least appreciate my efforts.

Then again, maybe i do think too much…i over analyze everything..just to make sure i’m not wrong, i don’t disappoint anybody….because i can?..because some make me..knowingly or not? I have no clue.

I can’t stop thinking, imagining, dreaming…why not accept me for who I am?

Everything is taken to the extreme today. You’re either this or that…you can never be a little of both.

So you think..

They say we shouldn’t judge a book by its cover…but when you have no intent of reading the book, what are you supposed to do?

Just listen!

Working Tile 2

I was thinking of you. The night was young and i couldn’t sleep. The street noises kept interfering with my memories, so i closed my eyes and i remembered the first time you touched my lips. It was 10 years ago, but i can still taste your lips. They had a weird taste; it was alcohol. It was the sweetest thing I ever tasted. I remember I wanted to bite your lip; to mark it. It was mine.

I was wearing my blue overalls and a black and white striped tang top. The crowd was loud and i was full of life. You came up to me and asked me outside. You had a secret to tell and i had ears to hear it. We met outside; you left me waiting. Finally, you arrived.

I was ready to leave when you grabbed my hand and gently pushed me against the wall. You lowered your head and whispered in my ear “I have a secret to tell you.”  I was eager to know it and asked you over and over again “What is it?” You whispered “listen…just listen” and then your hand grabbed the back of my neck and brought me to you.

It was just a kiss but it could’ve melted icebergs.

Working Title

The night was young and the air was sticky; it was a hot summer night in July. I was trying to escape the crowds and retire into the abandoned building that lies at the corner, hiding in the shadows of the night.

I passed him and my hair brushed his face. He was talking to someone; I didn’t even pay attention to whom or to him. My scent filled his nostrils and for a few seconds the past flashed before his eyes; my smile, the sparkle in my eyes every time i saw his face. A grin nestled on his face and his lips parted. He wanted to call out to me, but he didn’t know what to say.

I reached the building and entered it. The total darkness hurt my eyes and it took me a little time to adjust my sight and make my way to the open window that was looking out to the streets. I sat on the bench next to the window and spread my legs sideways. My sandals fell to the ground and my toes were brushing agains the old wood. It felt nice, familiar even. I closed my eyes and remembered my childhood. The building was alive, filled with us and our tears and laughters.

I saw him staring at me from the door. I didn’t turn my head; i just waited. He knew i  felt his presence, just like he felt mine earlier that evening. His scent filled the air, and made its way out through the window, passing me. I inhaled it like it was my last breath to take.

He came closer and stopped right before the window, right before me. We didn’t say a word. It was too late for words. I came back, but he moved on. Time was against us. We both knew it. He sat down, on the bench, opposite of me, and started looking out the window. The crowd was happy; problems were left at home for tonight.

I got up and so did he. I turned to leave and he followed me. He grabbed my arm and i stopped. I didn’t turn around. There was nothing more to be said or to be done. No point in sharing regrets and what if’s. He came closer and brushed the back of my neck with his lips. They burned my skin. It hurt.

His grab loosened and i felt like my feet were glued to the ground. I could not move. A tear rolled down my cheeck. It was now or never. I turned around and kissed him until his last breath was mine. I wanted to steal his heart, but he stole mine.

Today’s the Day

It begun. 6 months and counting. Pray for me.