Fucking Cell Phones!!!

Deja m-am enervat la culme. Cum se poate ca toata lumea in Romania sa posede 2 celulare, unul ptr fiecare retea, si cand ii cauta cineva nu ii gaseste? Un numar nu poate fi apelat si celalalt pur si simplu nu raspunde. This sucks! Eu m-am saturat sa sun lumea. Fuck this!

A lonely weekend full of people ?!

So, this weekend i hope to have some time to myself. I’m not sure why, since all week i was by myself. On Saturday, once i started cleaning and stuff, i actually noticed that i have plenty of stuff to do around the house (mostly throwing stuff out) and i could keep myself busy. Too bad people already planned their weekend at my house.

So Ramona and the kids came over on Saturday, and every time i spend more than a few hours with them, they make me not want to have kids (jk). They’re adorable and i love them, but the fact that they do whatever they want, and they don’t listen until you’re actually in their ear, threatening them, just gets to me. It is frustrating as hell to see a 5 year old kid totally ignoring you. You’re powerless.

We managed to get away from the house for a few hours (Ramona and I) and when we came back, the house looked post Katrina; clean up was in order before bed time. I think it would drive me crazy to see them throw stuff on the floor, and I’d be constantly behind them picking stuff up. I guess i say this now, and later, motherly instinct or laziness, or “i don’t care” will kick in and I’ll be fine with it.

On Sunday my mom’s friends came over with grilling meat and drinking intentions. They spent the whole day with us, and it wasn’t as bad as i expected. They kept most of their stupid ideas to themselves, and i didn’t get too agravted. One thing they said, that i just have to mention, is the fact that they believe that the US is just going to print more money to get out of debt (yeah, i had tears in my eyes).

Even though my house was full of people for the whole weekend, i still felt lonely as hell. Every time i go somewhere i seem to notice all these happy couples everywhere, and i get such a craving for a relationship that i would marry somebody tomorrow, just to assure myself the constant company. Ironic things is that a few months ago i had somebody, and i didn’t like it. So now, do i want it because i can’t have it, or because only now i realize what i had, or is it because i need some time to get used to my single self? I wish I’d new so i could stop obsessing.

Another week, more time to just be.

Day 2 Day for the next 30 Days

Luni a plecat mama mea spre the mother land si de atunci eu am fost lasata in grija casei si a locuitoriilor ei. Nu e mare lucru, adevarat, dar am observat ca a intrat o anume rutina in viata mea si nu sunt sigura daca e bine sau nu; la anii mei?

Dimineata la 6:55 imi urla ceasul desteptator si cu o lene cat o turma de oi la pascut, ma intorc si apas orice buton numai sa se stinga. Nu obsinuiesc sa lenevesc in pat ptr ca risc sa adorm din nou si sa nu ma mai trezesc pana dupa masa. Il imping pe benjinator de pe mine (se pune unde ii pica lui bine, chiar si la mine in cap) si ma dau jos din pat. Ca in filme ma intind si ma studiez in oglinda din fata patului ptr cateva secunde, dupa care deschid blinds-urile de la geamul de langa mine si merg in bucatarie sa dau drumul la masina de cafea.

In timp ce mi se prepare cafeina de dimineata vin inapoi in camera si ma indrept spre baie ptr rutina de dimineata, spalat pe ochi, dinti, fata, si ocasional imi mai pun partea dosala si pe tron ptr cateva secunde; sa ma asigur.

Vin inapoi in camera si iar il mut pe benjinator ca sa imi pot face patul. A devenit asa de lenes dimineata incat nici macar nu isi ridica curul de pe plapuma, chiar daca trag de ea. Dupa aceea, deschid dulapul si ma uit la el vre-o cateva minute incercand sa imi amintesc ce am purtat ieri, sa nu port azi din nou. Il inchid, fara nici o idee, si ma duc la sertarul cu tricouri si imi iau unul de acolo si blugii de pe coshul de spalat haine si ma imbrac.

Inapoi la bucatarie ii pregates breakfast-ul la Leti (care doarme of course), imi fac cafeaua cu lapte si ma uit ca Benjinator si Pauli sa aibe de mancare si apa, inainte sa plec de acasa, spre munca of course.

De obicei ies din casa la 7:15, imi pornesc masina, stau 2 minute sa ma trezesc ca lumea si dupaia plec. La 7:30 sunt la lucru, si a inceput ziua.Rareori sunt late, mult prea rar.

Uneori timpul trece mai repede, alteori parca sta pe loc, dar la un moment dat se face ora 11 si trebuie sa merg repede acasa sa ma asigur ca Leti nu a dat foc la casa, sau s-a facut pierduta prin vecini. Ajung acolo, daca a mancat o intreb ce face, daca nu, ii dau sa manance, il scot pe benjinator in curte, si daca mai am timp mai mananc si eu ceva pe fuga, daca nu, in masina, in drum inapoi spre lucru.

Ajung inapoi si fac cumva sa imi pierd timpul pana la 3 jumate cand merg acasa. Cand ajung acasa ma uit in dreapta si in stanga sa vad daca ceva nu e la locul lui, si il pe Benjinator ptr a walk. Dupa vre-o 20 de minute vin inapoi, si daca nu e nimic de facut ma pun in pat, incercand sa bag un afternoon nap. Uneori reusesc, alteori nu; in ultimul timp cam deloc.

Restul zilei decurge cu niste tv, chestii pe langa casa (ieri am taiat iarba), udatul floriilor seara (ptr mama mea ca eu as cam uita de ele), dinner, un dush, si somn.

Si dupa vre-o 8 ore de somn iar se aude strigatul ceasului la 6:55 si totul se repeta ptr o alta zi.

Abia astept sa se intoarca mama mea!!!

A Last Word

I want to take this day and dedicated to yet another lost friend.

A friend, still young, died today electrocuted. There is no fancy way to say this. He died.

He was a son and a friend to everybody who ever knew him.

I don’t know what to say. He’s gone.

Rest in peace L. I hope you opened our eyes to see what’s important in life..what needs to be cherished before we lose the chance to.

We’ll miss you!

Tralalalala..

The day has come where i am at a loss of words. Very ironic if you realize that words are all i ever had. I wasted them and now i don’t know what story to tell anymore.

Just checking in.

On a field as plain as the dark sky before a furious storm, i lie alone with my thoughts.
They are quite many, one contradicting the other, conversing among themselves, not minding me,
a spectator in the chaos we call life.
A straw of green grass tickles my tongue and hides away between the hallways of my white teeth. My hands
behind my head, supporting my neck, and my legs crossed one on the other; my view is the sky, and my bed
is the world.
It is soft, but not as soft as to let me fall asleep with ease. Its mountains and rivers shape around
my body with effortless grace.
I am the one and only who can quiet my thoughts and wish away my fears.
What is the world, if not a playground for my intelligence? It offers me doubts and hope, and sometimes it
even slips me some joy; to keep wanting more.
I can never quench my thirst of the unknown. It surrounds me; it is me.

When i open my eyes, all i see is darkness. There is nothing else I’d want to see. It’s beautiful and mysterious, and yet so simple, it requires no explanation, and it poses no questions.

I often wonder why it is that the minute i close my eyes and try to escape life, time comes by and wishes me
into somebody’s thoughts; somebody’s arms. It lets me feel and it lets me hurt. It swifts me from one extreme to the other, and lets me wake up with cold sweat and fear.

What is there to do but to close your eyes when they grow heavy and to open them once they have rested?

I’ve been told of bravery and once i thought i experienced it. Am i to experience it again? Is that the only
path that is open to me; the only one not paved by stones of fire and surrounded by thorns of ice?

How much can my soul bare once my body has declared it will decease?

We are born prepared to die, and we live running away from rebirth.

I open my eyes again, and i smile at the dark sky. It smiles back at me, laying down a challenge i can’t refuse.

Is life worth living, or is death not worth waiting for?

I get up and run. I’m in a race with time and our common goal is the unknown.

Is victory mine, or is the journey the point of my destination?

Working Title 3

You make me angry
You make me cry
You make me laugh
You make me forget
You make me remember
You make me sad
You make me happy
You make me who I think I want to be

Why do I need you to see my reflection; to see my beauty; to see myself?

Why can you shake me with a smile and break me with a look?

Why do your dreams become my purpose in life?

Why do I forget myself to remember you?

Why do I breathe to see you smile?

Why do I sleep to dream of you?

Why do I wake to live for you?

Why do I burn for you to touch me?

Why do I yearn for you to love me?

Are you the me I want to be? Am I the one you want to want?

You answer me!

At last request…

I ran as fast as i could, not knowing where or towards what…I ran away from you, I ran away from the me you bring out when you’re around.

Fighting with my tears, my legs starting to give in, i stopped and dropped down. I could hear your voice, it was calling in the distance, but not saying anything…not having what to say. My heavy breath calmed down, and my tears rushed down my red cheeks like a angry waterfall.

The dark night shattered my vision and the cold wind hugged my burning body. It is my time to scream.

Can’t you see what you’re doing to me? Look at what you make of me!! You make my knees week and my heart bleed…I’m becoming one of those people I always despised for their weak character; the ones who led themselves be taken up with hopes and dreams, and then fall once the dream is over; they fall hard and look for pity. I never offer it to them…never expect it from them. Now I’m on the verge of becoming one of them. A pathetic little creature, driven by emotion and broken by empty words.

You put your finger on my heart, and the minute you took it, it froze. It’s sealed, never to be touched again.

You made me angry at myself…i let you.

A last request…stop running, stop touching, stop breathing down my neck and letting me feel your hot breath….it melts me.

You make me weak…you drain me, but never to the end.

I’m exhausted.