Questions of a troubled soul

Believe or not a troubled soul

It says feelings might be foul

It screams in crowds and cries with blood

What to do it knows not.

Believe or not a troubled soul

To be lied to is Its goal

It asks for answers but hears none

It looks for love but it is gone.

Believe or not a troubled soul

It will look for you to be a whole

It will search far and wide

And when It finds nothing, It’ll wait for another tide.

The state of the End

I think I saw the end.

Two yellow eyes were looking through my soul. I could feel them open up every locked door within me. They paralyzed me. I couldn’t move or think, all I could do was to let them drain me of all my thoughts, my fears, my needs, and my wants.

If I would’ve felt something, I imagine I would’ve felt pain and anguish die away. I would’ve felt relief and hollowness like never before. If I could’ve thought, I would’ve thought about the power of nothingness, about the gift of eternal ignorance. If I could’ve spoken, I would’ve shouted those eyes a million thanks.

I couldn’t do anything. All I did was nothing.

Have you ever yearned for ignorance as you do for your every day breath?

I have.

Frustration!!

So, today my yahoo webmessenger is not working. It’s ridiculous. My one pleasure when I’m at work, well besides reading a great book once i have some time, is not working today. I followed the guidelines to fix it, but it didn’t want to fix itself. IT sucks!!

Yesterday people at my work more or less told me that I NEED to be here as long as possible. If it were up to them I would work until my ass would have to be on the plane. Yeah..forget that. Depending on how my mood will fluctuate in the next weeks, I will decide if I can stand it here for an extra week.

On other notes, there are 6 weeks left until i step on Romanian soil again. Pray for me.

And Ioane, a blog is supposed to be personal, not abstract. If I want to read abstract, citesc Biblia D-le.

A blonde moment

So, today I had a blonde moment, something I’m not particularly proud of, and I would not share it with the world, but I laughed at myself, so I decided everybody else could too.

It all started last night.

I was walking my dog and talking on the phone. Once I returned home, I placed my dog’s leash on the top of my trunk, as I proceeded to open my car and close the windows I had left open earlier that day; I was still talking on the phone meanwhile.

Then I closed my car and went into the house and proceeded with my nightly routine. I did the same the next day in the morning, when I prepared for work.

Well, as you can imagine, I forgot the leash on the trunk of my car and this morning, as I was driving to work I  noticed it. Funny think is I didn’t notice it until I was almost at work. Actually, I noticed it before the last turn on Foster, to my office, so all the people who drove behind me  probably wondered if I had had my coffee yet, or was I just some crazy woman behind a wheel. Eminent Danger!!

At least I gave them a good start to a cold day.

P.S. On another note, my mommy is coming back from Romania today, and although I couldn’t wait for her to return, now I’m a little queezy because she will drive me insane about wanting to move there myself in the winter. I’m not looking forward to that..hmm..not that much, no.

Fucking Cell Phones!!!

Deja m-am enervat la culme. Cum se poate ca toata lumea in Romania sa posede 2 celulare, unul ptr fiecare retea, si cand ii cauta cineva nu ii gaseste? Un numar nu poate fi apelat si celalalt pur si simplu nu raspunde. This sucks! Eu m-am saturat sa sun lumea. Fuck this!

A Last Word

I want to take this day and dedicated to yet another lost friend.

A friend, still young, died today electrocuted. There is no fancy way to say this. He died.

He was a son and a friend to everybody who ever knew him.

I don’t know what to say. He’s gone.

Rest in peace L. I hope you opened our eyes to see what’s important in life..what needs to be cherished before we lose the chance to.

We’ll miss you!

Tralalalala..

The day has come where i am at a loss of words. Very ironic if you realize that words are all i ever had. I wasted them and now i don’t know what story to tell anymore.

Just checking in.

On a field as plain as the dark sky before a furious storm, i lie alone with my thoughts.
They are quite many, one contradicting the other, conversing among themselves, not minding me,
a spectator in the chaos we call life.
A straw of green grass tickles my tongue and hides away between the hallways of my white teeth. My hands
behind my head, supporting my neck, and my legs crossed one on the other; my view is the sky, and my bed
is the world.
It is soft, but not as soft as to let me fall asleep with ease. Its mountains and rivers shape around
my body with effortless grace.
I am the one and only who can quiet my thoughts and wish away my fears.
What is the world, if not a playground for my intelligence? It offers me doubts and hope, and sometimes it
even slips me some joy; to keep wanting more.
I can never quench my thirst of the unknown. It surrounds me; it is me.

When i open my eyes, all i see is darkness. There is nothing else I’d want to see. It’s beautiful and mysterious, and yet so simple, it requires no explanation, and it poses no questions.

I often wonder why it is that the minute i close my eyes and try to escape life, time comes by and wishes me
into somebody’s thoughts; somebody’s arms. It lets me feel and it lets me hurt. It swifts me from one extreme to the other, and lets me wake up with cold sweat and fear.

What is there to do but to close your eyes when they grow heavy and to open them once they have rested?

I’ve been told of bravery and once i thought i experienced it. Am i to experience it again? Is that the only
path that is open to me; the only one not paved by stones of fire and surrounded by thorns of ice?

How much can my soul bare once my body has declared it will decease?

We are born prepared to die, and we live running away from rebirth.

I open my eyes again, and i smile at the dark sky. It smiles back at me, laying down a challenge i can’t refuse.

Is life worth living, or is death not worth waiting for?

I get up and run. I’m in a race with time and our common goal is the unknown.

Is victory mine, or is the journey the point of my destination?

Working Title 3

You make me angry
You make me cry
You make me laugh
You make me forget
You make me remember
You make me sad
You make me happy
You make me who I think I want to be

Why do I need you to see my reflection; to see my beauty; to see myself?

Why can you shake me with a smile and break me with a look?

Why do your dreams become my purpose in life?

Why do I forget myself to remember you?

Why do I breathe to see you smile?

Why do I sleep to dream of you?

Why do I wake to live for you?

Why do I burn for you to touch me?

Why do I yearn for you to love me?

Are you the me I want to be? Am I the one you want to want?

You answer me!

At last request…

I ran as fast as i could, not knowing where or towards what…I ran away from you, I ran away from the me you bring out when you’re around.

Fighting with my tears, my legs starting to give in, i stopped and dropped down. I could hear your voice, it was calling in the distance, but not saying anything…not having what to say. My heavy breath calmed down, and my tears rushed down my red cheeks like a angry waterfall.

The dark night shattered my vision and the cold wind hugged my burning body. It is my time to scream.

Can’t you see what you’re doing to me? Look at what you make of me!! You make my knees week and my heart bleed…I’m becoming one of those people I always despised for their weak character; the ones who led themselves be taken up with hopes and dreams, and then fall once the dream is over; they fall hard and look for pity. I never offer it to them…never expect it from them. Now I’m on the verge of becoming one of them. A pathetic little creature, driven by emotion and broken by empty words.

You put your finger on my heart, and the minute you took it, it froze. It’s sealed, never to be touched again.

You made me angry at myself…i let you.

A last request…stop running, stop touching, stop breathing down my neck and letting me feel your hot breath….it melts me.

You make me weak…you drain me, but never to the end.

I’m exhausted.