Day 2 Day for the next 30 Days

Luni a plecat mama mea spre the mother land si de atunci eu am fost lasata in grija casei si a locuitoriilor ei. Nu e mare lucru, adevarat, dar am observat ca a intrat o anume rutina in viata mea si nu sunt sigura daca e bine sau nu; la anii mei?

Dimineata la 6:55 imi urla ceasul desteptator si cu o lene cat o turma de oi la pascut, ma intorc si apas orice buton numai sa se stinga. Nu obsinuiesc sa lenevesc in pat ptr ca risc sa adorm din nou si sa nu ma mai trezesc pana dupa masa. Il imping pe benjinator de pe mine (se pune unde ii pica lui bine, chiar si la mine in cap) si ma dau jos din pat. Ca in filme ma intind si ma studiez in oglinda din fata patului ptr cateva secunde, dupa care deschid blinds-urile de la geamul de langa mine si merg in bucatarie sa dau drumul la masina de cafea.

In timp ce mi se prepare cafeina de dimineata vin inapoi in camera si ma indrept spre baie ptr rutina de dimineata, spalat pe ochi, dinti, fata, si ocasional imi mai pun partea dosala si pe tron ptr cateva secunde; sa ma asigur.

Vin inapoi in camera si iar il mut pe benjinator ca sa imi pot face patul. A devenit asa de lenes dimineata incat nici macar nu isi ridica curul de pe plapuma, chiar daca trag de ea. Dupa aceea, deschid dulapul si ma uit la el vre-o cateva minute incercand sa imi amintesc ce am purtat ieri, sa nu port azi din nou. Il inchid, fara nici o idee, si ma duc la sertarul cu tricouri si imi iau unul de acolo si blugii de pe coshul de spalat haine si ma imbrac.

Inapoi la bucatarie ii pregates breakfast-ul la Leti (care doarme of course), imi fac cafeaua cu lapte si ma uit ca Benjinator si Pauli sa aibe de mancare si apa, inainte sa plec de acasa, spre munca of course.

De obicei ies din casa la 7:15, imi pornesc masina, stau 2 minute sa ma trezesc ca lumea si dupaia plec. La 7:30 sunt la lucru, si a inceput ziua.Rareori sunt late, mult prea rar.

Uneori timpul trece mai repede, alteori parca sta pe loc, dar la un moment dat se face ora 11 si trebuie sa merg repede acasa sa ma asigur ca Leti nu a dat foc la casa, sau s-a facut pierduta prin vecini. Ajung acolo, daca a mancat o intreb ce face, daca nu, ii dau sa manance, il scot pe benjinator in curte, si daca mai am timp mai mananc si eu ceva pe fuga, daca nu, in masina, in drum inapoi spre lucru.

Ajung inapoi si fac cumva sa imi pierd timpul pana la 3 jumate cand merg acasa. Cand ajung acasa ma uit in dreapta si in stanga sa vad daca ceva nu e la locul lui, si il pe Benjinator ptr a walk. Dupa vre-o 20 de minute vin inapoi, si daca nu e nimic de facut ma pun in pat, incercand sa bag un afternoon nap. Uneori reusesc, alteori nu; in ultimul timp cam deloc.

Restul zilei decurge cu niste tv, chestii pe langa casa (ieri am taiat iarba), udatul floriilor seara (ptr mama mea ca eu as cam uita de ele), dinner, un dush, si somn.

Si dupa vre-o 8 ore de somn iar se aude strigatul ceasului la 6:55 si totul se repeta ptr o alta zi.

Abia astept sa se intoarca mama mea!!!

A Last Word

I want to take this day and dedicated to yet another lost friend.

A friend, still young, died today electrocuted. There is no fancy way to say this. He died.

He was a son and a friend to everybody who ever knew him.

I don’t know what to say. He’s gone.

Rest in peace L. I hope you opened our eyes to see what’s important in life..what needs to be cherished before we lose the chance to.

We’ll miss you!

Tralalalala..

The day has come where i am at a loss of words. Very ironic if you realize that words are all i ever had. I wasted them and now i don’t know what story to tell anymore.

Just checking in.

On a field as plain as the dark sky before a furious storm, i lie alone with my thoughts.
They are quite many, one contradicting the other, conversing among themselves, not minding me,
a spectator in the chaos we call life.
A straw of green grass tickles my tongue and hides away between the hallways of my white teeth. My hands
behind my head, supporting my neck, and my legs crossed one on the other; my view is the sky, and my bed
is the world.
It is soft, but not as soft as to let me fall asleep with ease. Its mountains and rivers shape around
my body with effortless grace.
I am the one and only who can quiet my thoughts and wish away my fears.
What is the world, if not a playground for my intelligence? It offers me doubts and hope, and sometimes it
even slips me some joy; to keep wanting more.
I can never quench my thirst of the unknown. It surrounds me; it is me.

When i open my eyes, all i see is darkness. There is nothing else I’d want to see. It’s beautiful and mysterious, and yet so simple, it requires no explanation, and it poses no questions.

I often wonder why it is that the minute i close my eyes and try to escape life, time comes by and wishes me
into somebody’s thoughts; somebody’s arms. It lets me feel and it lets me hurt. It swifts me from one extreme to the other, and lets me wake up with cold sweat and fear.

What is there to do but to close your eyes when they grow heavy and to open them once they have rested?

I’ve been told of bravery and once i thought i experienced it. Am i to experience it again? Is that the only
path that is open to me; the only one not paved by stones of fire and surrounded by thorns of ice?

How much can my soul bare once my body has declared it will decease?

We are born prepared to die, and we live running away from rebirth.

I open my eyes again, and i smile at the dark sky. It smiles back at me, laying down a challenge i can’t refuse.

Is life worth living, or is death not worth waiting for?

I get up and run. I’m in a race with time and our common goal is the unknown.

Is victory mine, or is the journey the point of my destination?

Working Title 3

You make me angry
You make me cry
You make me laugh
You make me forget
You make me remember
You make me sad
You make me happy
You make me who I think I want to be

Why do I need you to see my reflection; to see my beauty; to see myself?

Why can you shake me with a smile and break me with a look?

Why do your dreams become my purpose in life?

Why do I forget myself to remember you?

Why do I breathe to see you smile?

Why do I sleep to dream of you?

Why do I wake to live for you?

Why do I burn for you to touch me?

Why do I yearn for you to love me?

Are you the me I want to be? Am I the one you want to want?

You answer me!

At last request…

I ran as fast as i could, not knowing where or towards what…I ran away from you, I ran away from the me you bring out when you’re around.

Fighting with my tears, my legs starting to give in, i stopped and dropped down. I could hear your voice, it was calling in the distance, but not saying anything…not having what to say. My heavy breath calmed down, and my tears rushed down my red cheeks like a angry waterfall.

The dark night shattered my vision and the cold wind hugged my burning body. It is my time to scream.

Can’t you see what you’re doing to me? Look at what you make of me!! You make my knees week and my heart bleed…I’m becoming one of those people I always despised for their weak character; the ones who led themselves be taken up with hopes and dreams, and then fall once the dream is over; they fall hard and look for pity. I never offer it to them…never expect it from them. Now I’m on the verge of becoming one of them. A pathetic little creature, driven by emotion and broken by empty words.

You put your finger on my heart, and the minute you took it, it froze. It’s sealed, never to be touched again.

You made me angry at myself…i let you.

A last request…stop running, stop touching, stop breathing down my neck and letting me feel your hot breath….it melts me.

You make me weak…you drain me, but never to the end.

I’m exhausted.

Men

“Men are not faithful, they are loyal.”

Know that your man will cheat, and expect him to come back.

I Do or I Don’t

So these days I’ve been plagued by thoughts and ideas of eternal commitment, or so they call marriage these days. I wonder what it’s all about and if IT is actually worth all the trouble people put themselves through now-a-days.

As there are two sides to every good story I actually forced myself to pay enough attention two both of them so I won’t seem biased, not that I actually care, but for all those (the few or any) who do spend their free time reading up on my personal opinions and thoughts, it should be a little fair. I am nice and considerate after all, contrary to popular belief.

There comes the time in ones life, and i truly believe that age does play a major part in this, were one does feel like the loneliest number, and you just have to do something to multiply your every day company. So then you look for a mate that is there to stay, or at least so it seems. When that day comes I’m not really sure. It is relative to ones level of maturity and of course dady’s bank account. The more time you can get away without any major responsabilities, and no, how to keep 2 girls/guys from finding out about each other doesn’t count, the longer you can co-exist with the young and single of your society. I think i have come to the age where my thoughts do wonder down that path, but more often than not, they return very fast to its originating state of mind, aka how to stay away from that social state of prison.

I do believe marriage can be great, as long as you don’t let yourself be guided by that piece of paper or that definition of what marriage needs to be. Social standard dictates a lot, but then again who the hell proof reads all that before it is released upon main stream society? Uhmm..I doubt anybody takes the time.

If you have a great marriage, and I mean one that lastet longer than 3 years, you are good to go. They say the first years are the hardest and I think they’re right. That first year when you start sharing bills, responsabilities, and more importantly, one bathroom, that’s when you get to figure out if you were made for this or just simply not. It is all about sharing, no matter what we tell ourselves. From being ok with the person next to you accidently using your toothbrush, to being proud to share a name, it’s all about giving up on yourself and fighting for the You that offers you more good days than bad ones.

If, however, you are not so lucky as to identify yourself with the oh so perfect examples all around you, it is time to ask yourself if the step taken was in the right direction and if you are in the mental shape to fulfill your vow and your spousal obligations. There is only so much you can do towards the “greater” good and one day the time has come to cut your losses and just take off.

And then the all burning questions arises “when is it time?” When is it time to start evaluating your life and make some decisions? If you can’t figure it out, who are you supposed to listen to? Who can you trust to have your best interest at heart? And then again, why would it better. Nobody knows the inside of your marriage better than yourself, but yourself seems to have decided that his responsibility is not worth the pay and decided to quit. What now?

I am scared shitles about getting married, and for all those that are in this charming social state, I do pitty you and your second thoughts. Everybody has them…even the ones of us who have not yet entered the stage of bliss called marriage.

Now we all hope for the day of sudden enlightenment, and if any of you have been so lucky as to have lived through this day, please do share your wisdom; but for all of us who are still waiting, hmm..umm..well, I think we could use a drink, or two, or three to pass the time.

One more question? How is it that at 17 we can’t spend more than one week with the same person, but 10 years later we are expected to pick the one who we will wake up next to forever, or until we get hit by a buss?

Forever is scary for some of us (like me).

Second anything?

Someone once said that instead of looking for someone we can live with, we should rather look for someone we can’t live without. Where is the truth in this? How can we know if we can’t live without somebody if the chance never presents itself?

All of us enter relationships with the hope of finding the perfect somebody, and a few months and a set of broken plates later we realize that it’s not all it’s cracked up to be and we start doubting our feelings and sometimes the lack thereof. What then?

By the time you realize the there is no better somebody out there, it’s too late. Then there come the “what if’s” of the world and you end up with more questions than a four year old who first hears about the birds and the bees. The chance of making big mistakes, such as begging for forgiveness and second chances, are as high as fireworks on the 4^th of July.

I don’t know anymore. Is the person next to you worth trying so hard? What if you’re missing out on something you haven’t found yet?

So many questions, so little answers.

Bottom line is there is no right person but there is a right now. Most decisions we make in life are totally fucked up and the minute we make them, we know it. Some give regret its 15 minutes of fame, some don’t, but in the end it never matters, because what’s done is done. If you’re lucky enough you get a do over, but if you’re like me, you might never have the guts to actually take that chance.

It seems like we always want what we can have, and the minute we get closer to what we thought we wanted but couldn’t get, we don’t want it anymore. We are such indecisive creatures.

I wonder who can say, without lying to him/herself and all the ones listening, that they have what they want, and there is nothing else they could want. Nobody I know, that’s for sure.

So then you think about second chances and their worth. Is second time around any different? Where do second chances end? What’s the point? Maybe faith was trying to tell us that there is something more out there, and our experience is over. We’ve learned our lesson.

So many thoughts and not enough people who are willing to be true to themselves and the ones next to them.

Have the guts to be truthful to yourself.

I think Too Much

I was told, several times actually, that I think too much si nu ma las dusa de val.

So now i wonder, do i think too much, or do others not think enough?

Here i lived my life believing that my thinking, the fact that i use more of my brain than others of my species, is what makes me, me…and me turned out to be pretty damn special to some. I guess I was wrong; i lived 23 years in denial, thinking that I don’t think enough…that I don’t know enough. You live and learn. I can rest easy now, knowing that not so much is expected of me anyways.

I wonder what does it take to please some people? Why do I even care about pleasing some people? I’ll tell you why, because i think (there i go again thinking) that some will return the favor, and those who don’t will at least appreciate my efforts.

Then again, maybe i do think too much…i over analyze everything..just to make sure i’m not wrong, i don’t disappoint anybody….because i can?..because some make me..knowingly or not? I have no clue.

I can’t stop thinking, imagining, dreaming…why not accept me for who I am?

Everything is taken to the extreme today. You’re either this or that…you can never be a little of both.

So you think..

They say we shouldn’t judge a book by its cover…but when you have no intent of reading the book, what are you supposed to do?

Just listen!